May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
