i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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