everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
