I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
