everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
