i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
