Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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