the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
