one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
