Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
