Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
