I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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