You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize