I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
