Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize