I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
