Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
