You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Randomize
