Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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