She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
