she woke up with a sticky ear
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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