Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
