Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
