He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
