It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
