...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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