I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I think I died a long time ago.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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