Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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