apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
