dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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