This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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