This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
