He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
