Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Sober January is a disaster.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize