you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
