I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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