Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
