I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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