don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
