He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
