Me. At least after what I've been through.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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