That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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