Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
