I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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