I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
