Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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