Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize