I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
