Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
