Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
