He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
