I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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