I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
