yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
lol hangovers are for mortals.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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