so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
