saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
