I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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