Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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