He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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