He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
